Beagle League Confidential Episode 31
September 22, 2003
Written by Dan Bogey

(Read the Previous Beagle League Confidential Episodes here)

I laid low for a few days formulating the plan for my ultimate confrontation with Biggie. The Jason tape would provide the leverage to get Biggie's attention, and then the tape's effect on league members, slightly amplified by me (ok, totally amplified by me) that resulted in several members demanding his removal. However, as a compromise, he would be stripped of the stats of the players obtained in the colluded trade, thus dropping him out of the money this year, but allowed to return to the league, not as commissioner but merely a member, for next season, upon his full confession. That confession, of course, would be dictated into my handy mini-recorder.

The league standings over the last several days fluctuated daily, with at most a two-point difference between myself, Biggie and a very mediocre team owned by a guy named Stan. Stan was in the top three strictly by benefit of excessive good luck. I believe there is a finite quantity of luck available in any endeavor, but it is rarely allocated evenly. By acting in a proactive manner in resolving the Biggie situation I would be altering the negative flow I was floundering in and allow happenstance to grant me my long overdue prosperity just in time to assume my rightful place atop of the standings as the season concluded.

I drove to the O'Hara Funeral Home, parked a block away and, given the brouhaha that had ensued at the used car dealership earlier, made my entrance as quietly as possible. It was mid afternoon with no viewing scheduled so I was able to enter and move freely around the facility. I quietly moved down the corridor to Biggie's office, but an ear to the door revealed no sign of life and a silent turn of the knob and a quick peek confirmed there was no one within. I crept quietly down the long hall, stealthily opening doors to waiting rooms, storage areas and a showroom for the latest fashion in caskets, when I thought I heard the faint sound of an Al Green tune and muffled voices.

On tiptoe I eased toward the sound and reaching its origin, gingerly pushed open the door. Before me was a large room with a tile floor and several large tubs and sinks. Bending over a stainless steel table was Biggie. I thought for a moment he was preparing an unfortunate client, but when the client gave a shudder and emitted a tiny moan, I realized that Biggie was entertaining a lady friend who was obviously turned on by the macabre surroundings. This seemed like the perfect time to catch him off balance, so I flung the door open with a violent clang.

Biggie spun around.

"Wanker!"

Then the prone woman on the steel table lifted her head as she clutched her clothing together.

"Nate!"

My heart rushed to my throat, then plopped on to the tiled floor as bitter recognition registered.

"Sweetie!"
A primal instinct took over and I made a threatening lunge toward Biggie. He expertly assumed a martial arts stance and yelled "karate!" Grabbing the nearest object at hand, I shouted "table lamp" and heaved it at his self-satisfied head. It delivered a glancing blow, but it was enough to give me time to get out of the room and into the hall.

While Biggie was still disoriented, I scrambled down the hall until I reached a door I hadn't tried before. It opened to a long ramp with a swinging door at the bottom. I burst outside, sunshine stinging my tear-filled eyes. I tried to get my bearings to find my way back to the car when two huge guys got out of a white van and planted themselves in my path.

"Mr. Wanker? We've been expecting you."

My eyes became acclimated enough to read the lettering on the side of the van: Merryview Mental Hospital.

"You got the wrong guy, you've got nothing on me."

"How about stalking, kidnapping, harassment, theft, illegal dumping, caninecide, and from the looks of Mr. O'Hara, assault?"

I turned to look at Biggie, with Sweet Lorraine following behind him, then felt a sharp pain in my left butt cheek. I jerked my head to see what had happened, when suddenly everything got a fuzzy blue glow and I felt myself fall into the arms of one of Merryview's finest.