Out At Home - Ashes to Ashes
January 31, 2004
Written by Jonathan Chapman

(Read archived articles here)

I begin with a little poem…hey, it's a tradition

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust…
But WAIT!
Opus again visits us

Who else can return?
Rising like a Phoenix
Rose said, "Sorry."
(sound like repentance?)

Clemens can wear hat and boots
Pitching with the Astros
He's home with family and friends
Deserving better than my prose

Ignoring the 3b signs
Rounding Third took a wide turn
Called "Out at Home!"
It's now risen from its memorial urn.

So the things you thought could never happen…actually have, do and will. Just like you reading this… Its true, Rounding Third has morphed into Out at Home. Some aspects you may recognize from the past. Some you will wish would just pass. Nevertheless, FBH has for some reason allowed me to again post on their respectable site…they're like a box car traveling this great country of ours taking on graffiti.

Aestheticism?
Well, I know a lot of teams wanted to look better this season, but most only managed a coat of paint. (probably just more graffiti) Heck, some California teams managed to change the name of their playground.

"A Tale of Two Joses"
I almost wish the Dodgers would have done that. Instead they wrote the intro to a probable new worst seller. They got Lima and Hernandez. One to pitch and one to hit. (hopefully, we'll find soon which one is which) Boston developer McCourt just paid $430 million for the experience to be their employer. One of his first moves was in install his wife as a vice-chairman and "We're going to sign a guy that can hit." (maybe his wife can hit)

Stop Playing Around and Start Playing
Cora took a hit and breaks an arm…at least he was playing baseball. Boone messed up a knee playing basketball…at least he was playing a sport. Vander Wal underwent surgery for a knee injury sustained while shoveling snow…I suppose he was just playing.

Blood is Thicker than a Stack of Hundreds
Sasaki signed papers Tuesday to terminate his contract, leaving behind a guaranteed $8.5 million next season because he wants to remain in Japan with his wife and two young children. "I'm not really sure what people are thinking, but most importantly my children are very happy," Sasaki said through an interpreter. (I'm thinking if that's true, you are a fine individual)

Captain Going Down with the Ship?
Alex Rodriguez was appointed captain of the Texas Rangers following a tense offseason in which the team nearly traded him to Boston. (Captain Lucky Jack couldn't bring this ship into port)

Can You 'Short Sell' a Baseball Team?
A New York investor has agreed to buy a majority share of the Devil Rays. Sternberg, 44, is a former executive of the options-trading firm of Spear, Leeds and Kellogg.

"Gay Film" Participant Trying to Get into the Bullpen
Tadano was shunned by Japanese baseball teams due to his participation in a video some years back but was recently signed by the Indians. His excuse was he and some teammates needed the money and has attempted to voice regret and clarify his heterosexuality. "Frankly, if I were more mature and had really thought about the implications of what I did, it never would have happened." (I doubt they were looking to cast "mature" and thoughtful :) When asked about fan abuse (Yankee Stadium?), he joked he's ready for it in part because he doesn't understand English. Now you've done it. I know someone somewhere will learn Japanese… I can already see the signs ??????????

Minor Felony
The Padres have invited former NL MVP Ken Caminiti to spring training as an instructor, mostly for minor leaguers. Major Leaguers already know how to score steroids?

The Lone Gunman
Prosecutor Luisa Quevedo will decide within six months whether to charge Ugueth Urbina with a crime for firing a gun in Venezuela on Jan. 23. Police arrested the pitcher and his agent after the pitcher fired his gun outside the passenger window of a SUV. That same day, a judge ordered both men released, ruling there wasn't sufficient evidence to charge them with a crime. Quevedo said that Venezuelan law allowed her six months to continue investigating. (Time for the network to work up a new CSI…in Venezuela). Urbina's lawyer said Urbina was shooting in self defense because he believed someone was trying to rob him.

I had a dream…
where I thought I was getting robbed…but I was just in line to buy Detroit tickets.

thanks very much, I'll be here all season, good night, drive carefully
jonathan
redstitches@go.com

"You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it."
Art Buchwald